The world doesn’t want me

Because I am autistic
They have
Boxes to tick
And I tick
The wrong ones

I move different
I act different
I talk different
I am different

There are scientists
Paid by groups
Made of parents
Of people like me
Trying to figure out
How to identify us
In utero
So they can
Get rid of us
Before we’re
Ever born
They call it “ending autism”
By ending us

And they say we
Are the ones who
Don’t have empathy

Yes I struggle
It turns out
A good deal
More than most people
But we all struggle
That is humanity
That is existence
There is no life
Without struggle

They think
I take resources
That I shouldn’t
They think
That I’m a drain
On everyone else
By existing

I keep painting
Because I need
The beauty
The bright colors
The glitter
To combat
The lies
To breathe

I try to
Show them
I deserve to live
Because at least
I can paint them
Pretty things

What else can I do?

I wonder if they’re right
If I am asking too much
By asking for a chance
To try to find a way
To make a living
That doesn’t make
My body fall apart and
My mind have
Constant meltdowns

I tried my best
To live by their rules
I gave them
More than I had
And this is
Where it got me

That word that
Parents dread
And act
As if it were
Worse than death
The parents
Who talk about how
They want their
Autistic child to die
They announce it publicly
And tell each other it’s normal
Some do
Kill their autistic children
And society
Feels sorry
Not for the victim
But for the murderer

Meanwhile we paint
We laugh
We love
We create
We light up
With joy
How can they
Not see that
We are
Just as human
Just as worthy?

They try to
Justify it
Say I’m different
Because I can talk
But I am just as
Autistic as anyone else
We all struggle

Their solution
Instead of
Remaking the world
So it doesn’t
Hurt us so badly
Is to kill us

Apparently that
Takes less effort

They wish I’d
Never been born

I am so glad
I was


“Field” by April Marie Mai
A vertical rectangle impasto thick paint acrylic abstract painting with blue, indigo, purple, pink, yellow, orange, red, metallic gold, metallic copper, metallic teal and white combining in an expressive palette knife movement style. Most of the painting is bluish and purplish, with a wide variety of colors all over, and towards the left side there is an area that is somewhat spherical with brighter, darker colors, sweeping up to the top. Each swipe of the palette knife is different and contains multiple colors. 40″ x 30″ x 1.5″

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