Poetry
Translating Myself
My natural language is not words
It is feelings, colors, tastes, sounds, and sensations
I exist, therefore I must explore
To learn the world I live in
Understand each thing’s language
Whatever it may be
To understand the world
To understand myself
To connect
I speak sometimes but words are limited
Feelings must be translated into words and then back again
It is awkward and slow
They don’t understand and
I need to know more than they say
More than they think I should need to know
We struggle to communicate
They are used to a world where everyone speaks their brain’s language
Mine moves my body and my face in ways that theirs takes offense to
I say the wrong words the wrong way at the wrong time, they think
And because they are taught they are right
They don’t think they should have to even try
So I am the one who gets blamed
When the bridge I was trying so hard to build from my side to theirs
Inevitably collapses
I lose spoken words
Sometimes they are not there
Other times I have to cut each one out of my gut
And end up with a gaping wound
That heals very slowly
Nature and science and art are safer
Softer
More understandable
More gentle with me
My senses are more reliable
More supportive and
More tangible
They are insatiable yet often overwhelmed
I need to turn the volume down to eat
Notes took up the space in my brain
Which flavors now need to occupy
I dive headfirst into everything
Needing to learn
Needing to experience
Needing to connect through it
In ways that most people do not understand
In ways I don’t always understand
These needs pull on my entire being
I speak the language of melodic whispers, soft textures and vibrant colors
With paint
With plants
With plushies
With everything around me
I cannot tune anything out
It is beautiful and it is painful
I would not give it up for anything
It is who I am
When I meet someone who understands that everything has a language
And speaks one of mine
The information flows freely between us
It sparkles and
We glow
April Marie Mai
“Unicorn” by April Marie Mai, Acrylic, Glitter, and Confetti on Canvas. 36″ x 48″ x 1.5″ 2022 A horizontal rectangle impasto thick paint acrylic abstract painting with teal, sky blue, pink, light purple, lemon yellow, red, magenta, gold, silver and white; with fine iridescent shimmery glitter. The colors mix around. Each swipe of the palette knife is different and contains multiple colors. The left side has more red and magenta, the main colors are teal, sky blue and light purple, and white swirls down from the top right corner, creating movement. The experience of it, to me, feels like seeing a magical abstract pastel rainbow unicorn.
Each Autistic person has a different brain structure and different brain chemical reactions, and thus different experiences. I hope this is an accessible window into my brain. I hope that it helps you to understand that we are all different, and we are all here, and to have more patience and understanding. I hope you work to bridge the gap in communication so that you can meet your conversation partner partway instead of expecting them to do all the work. Whether or not we react the way you expect, Autistic people can hear and understand you. We are not in our own worlds; we are just as present in this one as you are. Presume competence, be patient, and look to communicate with others in their own language.
